Make A Difference / For Parents
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone.
How to open the conversation, document what's happening, and work with the school effectively.
Make A Difference / For Parents
How to open the conversation, document what's happening, and work with the school effectively.
"My parents did not know. Not because they didn't care — because I was good at hiding it, and because nobody told them what to look for." — Brynn
Do not lead with "are you being bullied?" Most kids will say no, either because they don't want to worry you or because they don't think it qualifies. Ask smaller, more specific questions and leave silence for them to fill.
Try these instead
"How are things really going?"
"Who did you sit with at lunch today?"
"Is there anyone at school who makes your day harder?"
"You've seemed quieter lately. I'm not upset — I just want to know how you are."
If your child tells you something, your first thirty seconds decide whether they tell you the next thing. Stay calm even if you are furious — that anger reads as "this is too big to tell Mom about." Believe them first and ask questions later. Thank them for telling you.
Please avoid: telling them to ignore it, telling them to hit back, contacting the other child's parents directly, or promising you won't tell anyone. Each one tends to escalate the situation or teach your child not to tell you things.
Keep one file — paper or digital. For each incident: date, time, location, what happened, who witnessed it, what your child said, and what you reported to whom and when. Save screenshots for anything online. This record is what turns "my child is being bullied" into something a school has to act on, and it matters enormously if you ever need to escalate.
Connecticut's safe school climate law explicitly covers school bus stops and the bus ride, not just the building — and bus drivers are trained, mandated reporters just like teachers. A few things worth doing quickly: ask who handles bus-specific reports (at some districts it's transportation, not the principal), ask about camera footage right away since many districts only keep it for a couple of weeks, and ask for a seat change nearer the front and the driver. Put the request in writing to create a dated record.
Harassment based on a disability is not only a discipline matter. Under Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act and Title II of the ADA, harassment that is severe, persistent, or pervasive enough to create a hostile environment can be unlawful discrimination. Two things worth knowing:
If the school does not resolve it, you can file a complaint with the U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights (OCR). Note the deadline: generally 180 calendar days from the incident. Missing it can get a complaint dismissed, so do not wait to see if things improve on their own.
This is general information, not legal advice. For your specific situation, a disability rights organization or an education attorney can advise you properly.
While you are dealing with the school, keep building the parts of their life that have nothing to do with it — something they are good at, somewhere they are liked, someone their own age who is kind to them. Feeling competent and wanted somewhere is what keeps a kid steady while the slow part gets sorted out.
This part is for every parent, not only the ones whose child is being hurt. Children learn how to treat people by watching the adults they love — less from what we say about kindness than from what we do when we think it does not count.
How you talk about a neighbour's accent. A cashier who is slow. Someone's weight, or their wheelchair, or the kid in class everyone calls weird. The joke that is only a joke. Children hear all of it, and they work out from it what is allowed. Researchers have understood this since Bandura's work in the 1960s: children copy the adults they watch, and they copy most closely how those adults treat people with less power.
This is not about blame. Every parent has said something they would not want repeated. But it is the one thing you can change today without needing anyone's permission — and children copy repair as readily as they copy the mistake. Saying "that was unkind of me" out loud, in front of them, teaches more than any lecture about kindness.
If your own child is the one being unkind at school, this is the honest first place to look — not because you caused it, but because it is the part of the problem that is actually within your reach.
This is one of the hardest calls a school or another parent can make, and it is common to react with denial first. Try to hold two things at once: your child is not a bad person, and the behavior still needs to stop.
You cannot bullying-proof your child, but you can build the parts of them that make hard days survivable and help them recover faster.
What if the school does nothing after I report it?
Follow up in writing within a week, referencing your earlier report and asking for a specific update. If there is still no action, ask to meet with the principal directly, and if your child has a disability, loop in the Section 504 coordinator — that can open a civil rights track separate from the general discipline process.
Should I contact the other child's parents myself?
Generally, no. It rarely goes well, and it can escalate the situation for your child at school the next day. Route it through the school so there is a neutral party managing it.
My child begs me not to tell the school. What do I do?
Acknowledge the fear directly — "I hear that you're scared telling will make it worse" — and explain that retaliation for reporting is itself something the school has to prevent. You can still report while taking their fear seriously and asking the school what they'll do to prevent retaliation specifically.
How do I know if this is "normal kid stuff" or something more?
Ask whether it is repeated, whether there is a power imbalance, and whether your child dreads school because of it. If the answer to any of those is yes, it is worth reporting — you do not need certainty first.
My child doesn't want me to do anything — just to have told someone. Is that okay?
You can honor that up to a point, but be honest with them about your limits. Say something like: "I hear that you just want this off your chest right now. I'm not going to email the school tonight, but I do need to check in with you about it again in a few days, and if it keeps happening I will need to act." Silence indefinitely is rarely the right answer, but you don't have to escalate the moment they tell you.
How much should I involve my other children, or tell them what's going on?
Siblings often already sense something is wrong, and vague secrecy can feel scarier than a plain explanation. You don't need to share every detail, but a simple "your sibling is going through something hard at school and we're helping them with it" keeps the household honest without oversharing your other child's private situation.
The school says they're "handling it" but won't tell me what that means. Is that normal?
Schools sometimes limit what they share because student discipline records for other children are legally confidential — that part is normal. What's not normal is them refusing to tell you what's being done for your child specifically: what changed, what they're monitoring, and when they'll check back with you. You can ask for that piece directly, in writing.
Is it worth getting an advocate or education attorney involved?
For most situations, no — a documented, persistent parent following the steps above resolves the majority of cases. It's worth considering if the school is not investigating despite repeated written requests, if your child has a disability and the school won't engage with the Section 504/civil rights angle, or if you're past the 180-day OCR complaint window and need help navigating next steps. Many disability rights organizations offer free or low-cost consultations before you'd need to pay for an attorney.
This is one of the hardest decisions a parent can face, and there's no formula that decides it for you. A few honest questions to weigh: Has the school shown, over a real amount of time and multiple reports, that it is either unwilling or unable to make it stop? Is your child's mental health, safety, or ability to learn being seriously damaged while you wait for that to change? Have you exhausted the escalation steps above — writing, the principal, the Section 504 coordinator, OCR if relevant — without meaningful movement?
If the answer is genuinely yes, a change (a different school in the district, a transfer request, or in some cases open enrollment to another district) is not giving up — it's choosing your child's immediate wellbeing over a fight that isn't resolving fast enough for them. If your child has an IEP or 504 plan, ask how it transfers, since federal law requires comparable services at the new school while a new plan is developed. This is also a good moment to loop in the Section 504 coordinator or a disability rights organization, since a documented pattern of unaddressed disability-based harassment can sometimes support the case for a transfer.
You are very unlikely to be the only parent in your school community who has dealt with this, even if it doesn't come up in casual conversation. A parent-to-parent network — whether that's a PTA committee, an informal group chat, or just one or two other families you trust — can help in ways the school process alone can't: comparing notes on how the school actually responds in practice, sharing what specific accommodations or requests worked, and simply not carrying this alone. If your child has a disability, ask the special education department or Section 504 coordinator whether a parent support group already exists in your district — many do, quietly.
The Alvarez family: Their son, who has ADHD, started refusing to ride the bus. Instead of assuming he was being dramatic, his mother asked specific questions over a few days instead of one big "what's wrong" conversation. It turned out three older students had been taking his backpack and tossing it between seats. She documented what he told her, emailed the transportation office and the principal the same day, and asked for a seat assignment near the driver. The behavior stopped within two weeks, and she kept the email thread in case it ever happened again.
The Chen family: Their daughter has an anxiety disorder, and a group of classmates started calling her "crazy" whenever she needed to step out of class to regulate. Her parents almost let it go, worried that pushing the school would draw more attention to her. Instead, they asked for a meeting, documented three specific incidents with dates, and framed it explicitly as mocking a disability-related need rather than "kids being unkind." The school added it to her IEP as a documented concern and briefed her teachers on how to respond if it happened again — without ever naming her diagnosis to the class.
The lesson here was that naming the behavior precisely — mocking an accommodation, not just "being mean" — is what moved the school from a vague warning to an actual plan.
Short videos from Brynn on recognizing what's happening at home and knowing how to respond.
What warning signs actually look like at home, and how to open a conversation without it feeling like an interrogation.
How to build the kind of written record that schools and, if needed, the Office for Civil Rights take seriously.
Building self-advocacy and resilience at home, from someone who wishes these conversations had happened for her sooner.
Brynn teaches live classes for parents on recognizing bullying, documenting incidents, and supporting a child with a disability — offered both in person at partner schools and online for anyone who prefers that option.
Register for a class → See the class plan (PDF) →See the full resource list below, including organizations specific to disability rights and Connecticut school climate law.
Dig into the full resource directory, or head back to see how the app helps overall.